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We both agreed that playing for money was a bit boring and that we should spice things up a bit. We brought the drinks back to the apartment and told the girls that we were now going to be playing strip poker. The two girls looked at each other, both fairly drunk at this stage, nodded to each other and said lets do it boys against girls. It did not take long to get things moving. As the drinks flowed it did not take long for Jen to strip she only had the dress, knickers and bra to start with. Jane was also naked quickly. As I sat there looking at Jen naked I could see she was enjoying the attention she was getting. Before long the four of us were naked. I said what now? We have no more clothes to play for. Jane quickly responded well, ye suggested strip poker, now I suggest truth or dare. Yes, lets do that said Jen. Immediately my mind raced to things that I had fantasised about Jen doing, now here we were, both naked in an apartment with a good looking naked couple. The. As much as I enjoyed Nancy’s company however, I was not really ready to get serious. Perhaps I was afraid of getting hurt again, haunted by the failure of my marriage, I do not know. Plagued by fear of failures both real and unrealized, I just know I seemed incapable of loving another human being. In fact, I could not even love myself. The fact of the matter is that I started drinking more during this time than I ever had. Where I should have been opening up to another human being, I remained a prisoner of my own self-imposed isolation, reveling in my own loneliness and isolation. I had become my own judge, jury and executioner. I knew nothing about grief or depression, yet I was dealing with unexpressed grief and I was clinically depressed. It was as if I deliberately decided to kill off a part of myself to make life bearable, to cut off the emotions that plagued my mind, never realizing I was cutting myself off from the positive emotions as well as the negative. That deal comes.
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